Synced

There is a wrestling in my soul.  Sometimes it claws its way to the top, other times it floats gently or bobs up and down.  We all have this wrestling, there are questions we all ask.  If this God I claim is real, what then?  Do I REALLY believe God is big, that he's powerful?  Or do I just make him a part of my life so that I can rationalize the irrational, so I can normalize the abnormal?  Do I trust that He is big enough to make the heavens and the earth, yet small enough to show himself to me?  Have I even asked him to show himself to me?  Do I WANT to ask him to show himself to me?  On and on these questions go.

These questions are always there, and our confidence in the answers changes from time to time.  I think that's okay.  God WANTS us to seek him.  He WANTS us to ask the hard questions.  He WANTS us.

I was recently given the book Anything by Jennie Allen.  I would say that these questions and the desire to seek Him with more of me had been bobbing up to the surface again for quite some time, but this book yanked them up with one swift stroke.  In her book, Jennie challenges you to really ask questions, to really seek God for yourself, not just because mommy and daddy do or did, or because you are afraid of what others will think or say.  She makes the point that the Lord wants intimacy with you because you are an individual.  He made you...YOU, and he wants you to know him for yourself.  And once you ask those questions, your faith will be much stronger than if you never ventured to do so.

This book, combined with other 'conveniently placed' events, have helped me to grow deeper in my faith of the one true God; but that deepened faith has brought about a new set of questions.
-Do I live like I'm willing to surrender for the sake of furthering God's kingdom?
-How do I love those who seem unlovable?
-What does it mean to love the widows and orphans?  What does that mean for our family?
-Am I loving those I come in contact with, or am I only loving those who are easy to love, those that I like?
-Lord, what do you want?

And paradoxically a new set of 'I'm sick of'' thoughts have arisen as well.
-I'm sick of being consumed with 'logistics'.  Logistics still have to happen, don't get me wrong, but they CAN'T consume me.  The laundry, the cleaning, even the disciplining of 3 small ones all have to happen, but I'm tired of being so concerned with the fact that my milk supply has run low or that my two year old throws god-awful fits, all the while not concerned in the least with the fact that there are children literally starving, being killed and/or raped as each second ticks by.  The 'plague' of consumption of thoughts, I'm convinced, is a part of the fall of man, so I'm not saying being consumed with death and tragedy is the answer either.  I'm, rather, saying I'm more aware of my personal thoughts and how my energy is spent on a daily basis.

-I'm sick of being afraid of what might happen.  If we move to a foreign country, our kids might die. Yeah, well, they might die in our front yard or at school.  If I make acquaintances with someone who lives in a different tax bracket as me they might take advantage of me and my family, or they might rob us or my children might be exposed to terrible things. Yes, that may happen, but they might need someone to show them love, love they've never seen in a parent or sibling or friend.  You might be the only way they'll ever have a chance to hear about the hope for all mankind.  If I share the hope of Christ with a friend, they might not be my friend anymore.  Maybe, but if your true hope is in Christ, are you willing to take that risk...for them and for him?

-I'm sick of being numb.  Movies, news, even walking through the mall has made us numb.  Numb to reality and numb to things that aren't real as well.  Those models you see hanging in the window at Victoria's Secret...they're not real.  Parts of their body, literally, aren't real.  The picture itself has been doctored with, and the life they're portraying isn't real.  No one walks around wearing angel wings!!! Seriously!!! To the same degree that we are numb to a false life that we all want to run after.  We are also numb to the reality that we all feel sadness, that life seems meaningless to the majority of Americans.  We are numb to the reality that  there is a BEAUTIFUL life out there, and yet there's a tragic one too.  I'm sick of being numb to the sight of a gorgeous sunset or a clear sky filled with stars.  I'm tired of being numb to the fact that babies die every day because they're flawed or an inconvenience.  I'm not trying to make a political statement here, I'm just tired of being numb to this reality.  I'm sick of being so distracted with those cute brown boots I really want, that I'm numb to reality, life here and now, and I miss the opportunity to invest in another human's life.

For once I feel synced.  In sync with the Lord, for his heart and his plan.  While the 'what if's' bombard me, the 'what if I don'ts' do too.  I'm well aware there won't be much of the pretty, but more of the nitty, the gritty, the dirty and the raw.  At least then I won't be numb.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship.  Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -his good, pleasing, and perfect will.  Romans 12 1-2

When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, saying, "I will surely bless you and give you many descendants."  And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised.  Men swear by someone greater than themselves  and the oath confirms what is said and puts an end to all argument.  Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath.  God did this so that, but two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged.  We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.  It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf.  He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.  Hebrews 6:13-20